Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.