Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
You Might Also Like
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body