THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
You Might Also Like
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
The internet is full of many things
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.