ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
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Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.