In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
You Might Also Like
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.