Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
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Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word