COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Can’t stop laughing
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.