Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
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What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Stop.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.