Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
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I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I WON A HAM TODAY
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick