Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
You Might Also Like
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Taking phone security to the next level.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today