Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
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ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
happy friday
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
good let them take over I have had enough
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Phones down.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.