My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Mornin. * use accordingly
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
R.I.P.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.