This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
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Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Best seat on the street 😍
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
why I oughta
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.