My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
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Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”