You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
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And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.