ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
You Might Also Like
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…