It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
You Might Also Like
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.