Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.