My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
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Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god