Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
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Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
*pronounces fake like saké*
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!