My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
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This trial is so absurd 😭
sir, my pâté if you please
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.