Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
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Two types of dogs.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
At least try to make it slightly believable
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor