1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
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me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
“The Perfect Relationship”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.