God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Monday Lisa
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”