I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
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Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos