Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
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Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur