Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
They grow up so quick
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I feel this so hard
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.