Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
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What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Seems legit
Breakfast for Stoners:
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]