True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
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Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
This is my bus stop.