Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
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Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.