Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Lmfao
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.