Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
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At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!