Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
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[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.