Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud