ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
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A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism