Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
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“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”