Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
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The Friday File.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
*jingles half the way*
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’