My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
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every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
no one likes gloating
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.