my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
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*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
marvel comics have peaked
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Any refunds available?…
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets