If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
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Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
buys donuts instead
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.