-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
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What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
never forget
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.