Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
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Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?