Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
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I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Are these grass-fed oranges?
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.