*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
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If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats