“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
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My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I need to update my racial profile.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I’m having an out of money experience.