Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
You Might Also Like
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.