Mad Max: Furry Road
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Nice try, NASA
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…