To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
i wish we could shoplift online
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.