Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
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Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
(by @ZachWeiner )
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork