That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here